Why?

I am questioning my faith and belief system.

But this doesn't mean I'm on shaky ground. In fact, I think that this is something everyone should do.

Today started off the same way most of my Mondays do. I slept in, started some laundry, took a shower, and ate breakfast. Lent started this past Wednesday. Last year, I fasted from anything with caffeine, including chocolate. I decided to get involved in Lent again this year, but with a rather obscure fast: I'm fasting from having my computer in my home. That way, if I want to use the computer, I have to go to my office, which means that I'm occupying my time with lots of other, more beneficial, activities when I'm at home. I started re-reading Shane Claiborne's The Irresistible Revolution as a way to spend my day and suddenly a lot of the Lord's will became clearer. I realized I was thinking to much about what I could GET or SAVE instead of thinking about what I could GIVE. But in reality, while some things became clear, even more became messed up. I started thinking about the motives behind everything I do, and trying to determine whether or not I really had any true goals in mind. I kept this in mind as I went about my afternoon activities.

My plan for the day was bank, blood donation (with the alternate plan of going to the YMCA if I was unable to donate), and then the J-House. After discovering that the bank was closed (I forgot that it was President's Day), I went back to my car, and it had problems starting. I tried adding oil since it looked like it might be low, but after that I realized that the gear shift didn't go all the way to "Park". Well, I guess that was sort of a waste of an oil can! I then went to my blood appointment. Everything went well, from the mini exam to the pint donation, until they started taking the blood test samples. It was then that I actually got dizzy, something that I've never experienced in my past donations. They made me lay down, ran a fan, put a cool cloth on my forehead, and made me do some weird leg exercises. After a few minutes of that I was back to normal, but still everyone was asking if I was okay. I even ran into my Toastmasters' club president there. But eventually, I left to go to the J-House.

The J-House was created to house any age of foster child to help with the lack of foster families in the Fremont area. However, I've only ever seen teens living there, likely because so few foster families want to deal with this age group. (After all, who doesn't love a baby? But a hormonal teenager?) I just wish there were more people willing to spend a few hours a week with them; they especially need it at this point in their life. Anyway, it's not uncommon to hear disagreements or overstepping boundaries. They also have a lot of questions for me and the staff about why we do the things we do. For example, as soon as I took off my coat, I was questioned for why on earth would I want to give blood. But one of the particularly frequent topics for disagreements and overstepped boundaries is God.

I'd heard several of their opinions on who God is, or whether or not He really exists. But it wasn't until today that one (a self-proclaimed atheist) asked me if I believed in God. Now, in the past, I had never stated any of my beliefs, because I think that the term "Christian" has a very negative ring to many of them, so I find it much more appropriate to witness to them by forming a healthy relationship with them. I've told them I work at Rivercrest, which most of them know hosts Christian camps, but this wasn't a question about Christianity. It was a question about God himself.

So, did I believe in God? Of course I answered "yes". But it was the follow-up question that got me: Why?

How many self-proclaimed Christians can actually answer this question? Just like it says in the book I'm reading, the church oftentimes tries to pretend not to hear the tough questions, or only offers a muffled answer. If we don't take the time to discover the answers for ourselves, then the body of Christ will not be effective for ministry. I told him "I just do. I don't see any reason not to, since I can tell every day that he exists." It was a good enough answer for him to respect, but I think that there are better answers.

I'm going to keep asking the tough questions. I'll even start looking to answer a few of them. I will question my motives, no matter how noble the cause. I will go into everything with an end goal in mind. And to my chief end, I will continue to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.