Heart vs. Holy Spirit

I've spent a lot of time thinking recently. Most of that thinking involves trying to decipher what I really want, or rather, what the Lord wants of me. And right now, I'm struggling to tell the difference between what God is asking of me and what I am asking of myself.

A few weeks ago, I received a letter from Nelly, the Zambian orphan that I sponsor. She included an essay titled "What God Has Done for Me". In it, she wrote, "A long time ago when I pray I never used to hear God speaking to me, and I was always wishing to hear God's voice but now I thank God cause when I pray I always hear His voice speaking to me."

I think I heard God's voice once. Once, literally. There was only one word involved. And after hearing it, instead of clarity, it caused even more confusion. It was July 2009. I was working at Lake Bradley Christian Camp and the Lord had recently given me the passion to start pursuing orphan care. (Something that I'm still working on to pursue on a deeper level.) One night, at what I believe was Applegate's Junior High camp, the pastor asked us to try something out. It was prayer, but the complete opposite of how most of us usually pray. Sit in silence, close our eyes, but instead of talking to God, listen to see what HE has to say! I had tried this before, and I have tried it since, but I end up getting distracted or impatient. But since the opportunity presented itself, I sat and listened. And this is what I got:
"TAKE".

Confusing, right? So much of God's Word is about giving, and then He tells me to take. I've spent the past few years pondering this, and I have come up with some applications for it, but let's get back to the current issue for now.

There are so many phrases about the heart, and even more so in Christian circles. "Follow your heart." "It's my heart's desire." "This has been put on my heart." "I really have a heart for this." People use these a lot when speaking Christianese, but is it really Biblical? It sounds more like the Disney heroine that follows her heart, meets the prince, and they live happily ever after. Now, I'm probably the biggest fan of drawing parallels from Disney to God's love for us, but let's face it: real life isn't Disney. My life involves waking up each day in my basement abode in Nebraska, going outside or upstairs to do camp work most days, hanging out with kids and teens whenever I get the chance, going to the Jefferson House a couple times a week to sort clothing donations, leading at Awana each week, giving speeches at Toastmasters, and occasionally eating dinner at someone's house. It's neither the exciting life that everyone wants nor is it the dismal beginning to a princess story. But it's the life that God has called me to...

...I think.

The thing is, in theory it should be simple the tell the difference between God's desire and my own heart's desire, because as a follower of Christ, I should be emptied of self and have the heart of God's will. But in reality, although I have "Jesus in my heart", that heart is still surrounded by human flesh, and it can be difficult to tell the difference. At Winter Camp, the speaker was challenging the teens to get into the Word because that's how you can tell the difference between your desire and God's. That may work for a lot of things. (Some examples that come to mind: Should I have sex outside of marriage? Should I steal this?) But for a lot of things, especially those personal, only-applies-to-your-situation things, you've got to go a lot deeper and discover it among your own one-on-one relationship with the Lord.

Take my life a year and a half ago as an example. Before that, I had plans to live in Spain for a year. But even though it sounded like a great opportunity, and I really wanted to do it, I knew the whole time that there was something unsettling about it. When Spain left the picture, the easiest (and, at first glance, the only) thing to do would be to stay home and hope it wasn't too late to enroll at the local university. But the feeling of that was even worse than the feeling I had about going to Spain. When working at a Christian camp in Colorado came into view, I knew that idea was a lot more settling. But a even more settling feeling came about when I discovered the opportunity of working at a Christian camp in Nebraska. Two years ago, if you had given me the options of working in Spain, Colorado, Oregon, or Nebraska, like most people, Nebraska would have been at the bottom of my list. But, as Romans 12:2 suggests, renewing my mind for that time period allowed me to test and approve God's will, his good, pleasing, and perfect will. And His will ended up being Nebraska...

...at least it was.

I didn't exactly have a direction when I began writing this post, but these ramblings were meant more for my benefit than any of the four people that actually read my blog. The thing is, that unsettling feeling has come back. After all that's gone on in the past year and a half- the new living environment, the lack of typical household amenities, the poorly constructed internship, the abandonment, the loneliness, the feeling of impending doom that comes with the probability of not having either a job or a home, the tight budgeting, the daily stressors and depressors- now seems like the strangest of all the times to have this feeling. I really do like what I do. I mean, I don't always love it, but I like it more than anything else I've ever worked on. I definitely have my struggles, but no matter where I am or what I do, I know my life will never be perfect. But through all this mental chaos, retiring my Rivercrester title just doesn't make sense...

...then again, neither have most of my decisions over the past couple years...

...but they made sense to God.

Although everything is confusing to me right now, I know I need to stay here through May. I will probably stay through the summer too, but I have decisions that need to be made between now and May. If anyone has actually read this far and would like to help me out with this, you can start by praying for the same things I'm praying for. Pray for the wisdom to know if any of this is really from God, and for the discernment to discover what the next step of life is that the Lord has hand-chosen for me. Pray for the allowance for me to test and approve what God's will is. And if His will ends up having me exactly where I've been this whole time, ask that I may find more fulfillment in it.

Naturally, I'll post any major updates here on this blog, as well as any other notable ponderings and happenings I experience as time goes on. But I think that, for now, I need to stop trying to organize my thoughts into words and just pray them up instead.